So it turns out that during these past few incredibly crucial games for the Detroit Tigers, slugger Miguel Cabrera has been getting wasted and fighting with his woman:

“There was an incident that took place on Saturday, and it is a personal matter,” Cabrera said in a written statement released Monday by the Tigers. “I am sorry this has become a distraction, and I apologize to the Tigers, my teammates, and all of the fans. I would appreciate it if you would respect my family’s privacy as I prepare for our next game.”

No charges will be filed, and both Cabreras refused medical attention, Patterson said.

“We determined that they both contributed to the domestic assault,” the chief said. “It was minor in nature. They did have some marks on their faces. We could not determine who the aggressor was.”

Personally, I don’t care if an athlete gets drunk in between games if he can still perform at a high level, but Cabrera’s been terrible during this recent stretch.  But much more importantly, Cabrera has no idea how to handle his woman.  Look, we all know that women can be psychopathic irrational bitches, but you never put hands on them.  No, the template for dealing with female maniacs has been in existence for a while now, and all professional athletes should follow it.  I guaran-damn-tee that it works.  Presenting The Eliah Dukes Plan:

Step 1 – do steroids

Step 2 – send girl a picture of your handgun

Step 3 – threaten her life on a voicemail

Step 4 – smoke weed everyday

I promise you that if Cabrera followed the Dukes Plan, he wouldn’t have any bruises on his face.  How do more people not root for Elijah Dukes?

[Cabrera story via Yahoo! Sports]