Oct 21 2009
It happens to all of us. You’re bored at work and you hit up the NFL’s online store and before you know it, you’ve spent $500 on useless crap that really has no functional use other than to tell the World that you’re an impulse buyer.
Take for instance, the above displayed 5 foot Dallas Cowboys helmet for your front lawn. Not only is it ugly and stick out like a sore thumb on your front lawn, but it also says closet homosexual. Just ask Jerry Jones – I heard he has 11 of these lined up on his front lawn.
Jebus, who comes up with this stuff? I want the job where you get to design crap and sell it on nflshop.com. I mean “Bubba” the inflatable Patriot? If you have kids under the age of 9, I’ll give you a pass on this one. Otherwise, I’d like to know your last name so I can plug it into the sex offender registry.
Nothing says cool like an ugly jacket with a shitload of patches on it. It’s like being as decorated as a military general, only you’re the general of some sort of local shitty jacket club.
Hey remember your lucky Detroit Lions hat, the one wear they broke the losing streak? Well now you have a place to put it, and it’s a steal at $109. Yes, $109 for a place to put a fucking hat. I can think of a better place to put my hat for $20 and it involves Las Vegas and someone trying to pay their way through college.
The ink on the divorce papers won’t even be dry before you finish apply your Howie Long Fathead to your bedroom wall. Even creepier would be if you opted for the Fox NFL Sunday version as opposed to the Raiders playing days version.
How about a safe place to store you J.P. Losman jersey? They’re practically giving it away at $219, and it will be money well spent. Why? Because after the divorce is final you can throw out the jersey and proudly display your divorce papers in it.
Holy shit dude. A Dallas Cowboys resin tree face ornament? If you put this up, not only are you getting divorced, but everyone in the neighborhood is putting their house on the market and making sure their shotgun has plenty of ammo.
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