I decided to keep this week’s Criminal Showdown relatively lighthearted. There was a shooting, and some other crimes, but we’re going to stick with the substance abusers. Remember class, if you drink the booze (or hit the pipe) you loose!

Derek Lowe (Pitcher – Atlanta Braves) – Derek Lowe was arrested for “racing” his car and driving under the influence last week. For those of you who don’t remember, D. Lowe has a history of bad behavior. He got into some trouble up in Boston too. The dipshit was racing his car with another car while he was wasted. They are currently running tests to see if he’s brain dead. Don’t worry Atlanta fans, he pitched 3 days later, sufficient time to recover from a hangover.

Chris Simms – (Quarterback – Tennessee Titans) – I know, I didn’t think he still played either. Back in July Chris was arrested for driving while stoned. This week his court case is being held. This is just hilarious. His lawyer is saying that everyone else in the car was stoned and smoking marijuana and Simms wasn’t. Lawyers are dead fuckin serious sometimes. The account of the story doesn’t look that way….

Verdict – I have to go with Simms on this one. The dude and his buddies got completely stoned in his SUV, was driving like a maniac, and then had his lawyer, who allegedly graduated from law school, say he wasn’t smoking it was the other guys. I’m waiting for him to say that Simms had a gas mask on in the car.