Apr 23 2012
I posted this article over two-years ago. Quite frankly, I thought it was some of my best work as a writer, an accomplished writer I might add.
So today’s article is Old School. It’s all about when you were a little puberty inflicted sports fan. You began to explore the female anatomy and by doing so, you could relate it to America’s Pastime.
For those of you out of practice here is your good old fashioned guide to the birds and bees through the eyes of baseball….
The General Rules
1.) “First base” – This is making out, like kissing a girl or guy with or without tongue.
2.) “Second Base”- Typically, this was referred to as kissing plus feeling breasts. Also, over the clothes genital contact or dry humping could be considered second base.
3.) “Third Base” – Genital contact. Hand down the pants. Can be referred to as masturbating your partner manually or orally.
4.) “Homerun” – When you hit a home run with a guy or girl that means you’ve had sexual intercourse. Your penis has entered a vagina. More often than not if you use this terminology for this particular occurrence, it doesn’t happen to you that often.
Updated Guide for Today’s Youth (Standard Terms Still Apply)
1.) “On Deck” – This refers to having a date, or potential date. Certainly being “on deck” a lot is good, but by no means does that mean you’re a home run hitter
2.) “Strike Out” – This means you went out on a date, tried to reach first, second, or third base (see above) and failed to do so. Remember chaps even the best hitters failed 7 out of 10 times.
3.) “Bunt” – If you’re having a little trouble with the ladies and have been spending a lot of time polishing your knob, you’ve been bunting a lot. Sure it doesn’t bring the crowd to it’s feet but you still get high fives from everyone in the dugout.
4.) “Ground Rule Double” – This refers to that unfortunate circumstance of when you’re close to hitting a home run(see above), but you don’t have protection. If you went to CVS you would have been trotted the bases, a la Kirk Gibson.
5.) “Error” – Seems like a rather innocent way of describing the condom breaking during your homerun trot. Certainly, this could cost you your life. See Bill Buckner.
6.) “Hall of Fame” – This, of course, is the end all. It’s Cooperstown and it’s marriage. It’s the ultimate committed, it’s enshrining your penis on the wall for only one woman to enjoy.
7.) “Balk” – This is often an embarrassing moment for a pitcher and for a man. Premature ejaculation does happen, just not to you right?
8.) “Rain Delay” – The mood is perfect, everything is going right and the game is disrupted by rain. Or your roommate or parents come home. Either way, play is stopped and you have to wait it out.
9.) “Grand Slam” – A unique personal achievement. To have sex 3 times in one day doesn’t happen very often. Certainly it’s awesome and we’d love to do it all the time, but you need 3 guys on base and you gotta be clutch.
10.) “Switch Hitter” – Defined as… “sex with her one night, sex with her brother the next” That’s all I have to say about that.
Being young was awesome!
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